last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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