I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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