last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
