I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
