Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
