I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
