you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
