I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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