You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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