saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
