This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
