1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
