the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
