i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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