got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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