Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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