yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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