Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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