omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
