just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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