I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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