Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
