if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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