I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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