toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize