Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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