How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
