There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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