Got a toothbrush?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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