After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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