I think im going to throw up on grandma
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
