i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
