You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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