I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
