don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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