im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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