tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
nutella sex= disaster
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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