Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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