So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm at about main and main street
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
