I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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