dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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