i jhust puked up my retainher.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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