Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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