I'll bet she douches with gravy.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
