I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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