Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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