My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
