I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
