maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
