shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up backwards on a recliner
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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