If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
