Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
