I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
