One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
