I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
