The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
don't judge my taste in strippers
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
