"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
