Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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