When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
