atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
