I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize