Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
