News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
