I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
