So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
