my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
