seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
