Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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