Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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