Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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