I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
