if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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